This book came at the right time. Setting boundaries is something I need to work on and embrace. I really enjoyed that your boundaries are what makes you YOU. That they are just as much a part of you as your arms and legs, and they grew out of your past experiences and relationship with yourself and others.
Anyway, throughout our daily lives we are constantly asked to define our boundaries to others, and sometimes it works well and sometimes it doesn't.
These are some signs of weak boundaries I have noticed in myself being in toxic relationships:
Ongoing anger at yourself or someone else.
Feeling resentful.
Low self-worth and self-esteem.
Apologizing frequently.
Doing things that make you uncomfortable.
Doing things you really don't wan to do.
Going alone with someone else's relationship agenda.
Going against your personal values, rights or needs to please others.
Putting other's needs ahead of your own.
Not being able to assertively ask for what you want.
Feeling responsible for other people's feelings and problems.
Complaining to others instead of talking to the person who is causing a problem.
Becoming easily overwhelmed emotionally.
Self-consciousness and social anxiety.
Saying yes when you want to say no.
Feeling guilty when you do say no.
Not speaking up when you have something to say.
Adopting someone else's ideas or beliefs so they will accept you.
Becoming overly involved in someone else's problems. (I think this was the cause of the down-hill direction of the relationship)
Not communicating your emotional needs in your closest relationships.
Avoiding difficult conversations because you're afraid of confrontation or of displeasing someone.
Doing things out of a sense of obligation, instead of protecting your energy and time for things you're enthusiastic about.
Spending time with people who drain you or that you don't really like to be around.
Ignoring problems or staying quiet to 'keep the peace.'
Expecting others to know what you need without telling them.
Inability to be honest."
“Understand that having personal boundaries is OK. In fact, boundaries are absolutely necessary for emotional and physical safety, healthy relationships and a happy life. Self-worth comes from honoring who you are and what you want. It comes from living your life as you want it to live it, not from living it the way others want you to."
“Boundaries can’t control other people’s behavior; whether or not they agree or respect your boundaries is for them to decide (and what you do about it is up to you to decide). Our boundaries control our won behavior. They help us to live the life we decided we want to live. When we defend our boundaries, we control our won self-sabotaging behaviors, such as taking part in destructive relationships and wasting our time and energy on people and things that don’t fulfill us.
When we tell others what our rules are, we can’t control the outcome. They have a choice to follow them or not. Then, we have a choice as to what we’ll do about it. Remember that if someone does not respect your boundaries, they do not respect you. That might help you make a decision.”
“Enforcing a boundary does not mean arguing about it or explaining it until you're blue in the ace in an attempt to get validation of its worthiness from the transgressor. A boundary is a boundary, and it’s your and yours alone. It does not need anyone’s approval.
"If someone violates a boundary and you ignore it, or if you fail to realize they’ve done it, you may feel angry, uncomfortable, misunderstood, frustrated, put upon, victimized, disregarded, taken advantage of, powerless, or in some way bothered. Never ignore these feelings- take the time to figure out, so you can do better in the future."
“And if someone repeatedly violates aCode Orange boundary, or violates several different Code Orange boundaries, it becomes a Code Red category.
For example, if someone is repeatedly late, makes you wait, and expects you to change your schedule for them, even after you’ve spoken to them about it and they agreed to be on time, it indicates that you’re dealign with a person who expects you to accommodate them and their needs, and who does not respect yours.”
"Gordon Shippey, PhD, a contributor to the website Counseling Resource, wrote “Boundaries are defined by individuals, by themselves, for themselves. People skilled at manipulation often challenge our right or our ability to set boundaries, in service of their own wants. When dealing with such people, doing your own thinking, on your own, well in advance becomes even more essential. Your boundaries have to satisfy your moral code and support you in meeting your needs, not necessarily theirs. That distinction is exactly what a master manipulator wants you to forget… They key move here is to resist the temptation to rewrite boundaries on the fly…’”
“Believe in yourself. Value yourself as a unique individual who is worthy of love and respect. Practice self-confidence and self-love every day, until it feels natural. Setting and defending your boundaries is an excellent way to do it.
You decide how you want to live your life. Find your courage. Love yourself enough to live in an authentic way. Stop caring so much what everybody else things of you, and stop caring about what YOU think of you. Your life will become much simpler and filled with much more joy.”
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I think the hardest part about boundaries is the actual communication of them. I have always been the one to take care of things by myself, internally. That is why communication is extremely difficult for me, because I do not like explaining myself. The "expecting others to know what you need without telling them" sign of weak boundaries rings especially true. I would like to work on that in the future.
Be proud, be you! You are your boundaries, and your boundaries are you! Learn to appreciate and respect your boundaries and teach others how to do so as well. Everyone has boundaries and the beauty of relationships is having someone be aware of them and respect them, without having to justify them.
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Publishers Information:
CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform 2014
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