Braving the Wilderness by Brené Brown

Braving the Wilderness: The Quest of True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone

"Sometimes the most dangerous thing for kids is the silence that allows them to construct their own stories- stories that almost always cast them as alone and unworthy of love and belonging."

"Even in the context of suffering- poverty, violence, human rights violations, not belong in our families is still one of the most dangerous hurts. That's because it has the power to break our heart, our spirit, and our sense of self-worth."

"Moyers: Do you belong anywhere?
Angelou: I haven't yet.
Moyers: Do you belong to anyone?
Angelou: More and more. I mean, I belong to myself. I'm very proud of that. I am very concerned about how I look at Maya. I like Maya very much. I like the humor and courage very much. And when I find myself acting in a way that isn't... that doesn't please me- then I have to deal with that."

"When we feel isolated, disconnected, and lonely, we try to protect ourselves. IN that mode, we want to connect, but our brain is attempting to override connection with self-protection. [...] In Rising Strong, I wrote about how the brain's self-protection mode often ramps up the stories we tell ourselves about what's happening, creating stories that are often not true or exaggerate our worst fears and insecurities. Unchecked loneliness fuels continued loneliness by keeping us afraid to reach out."

"We have to find our way back to one another or fear wins. If you've read my work before, you'll know that it is not going to be easy. [...]
High lonesome can be a beautiful and powerful place if we can own our own pain and share it instead of inflicting pain on others. And if we can find a way to feel hurt rather than spread hurt, we can change."

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"This is who I am."
"This is where I am from."
"This is my mess."
"This is what it means to belong to myself."
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"Durkheim explained that collective effervescence is an experience of connection, communal emotion, and a 'sensation of sacredness' that happens when we are part of something bigger than us."

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Publisher Information: Random House, 2017. 

Boundaries: After a Pathological Relationship by Adelyn Birch

This book came at the right time. Setting boundaries is something I need to work on and embrace. I really enjoyed that your boundaries are what makes you YOU. That they are just as much a part of you as your arms and legs, and they grew out of your past experiences and relationship with yourself and others. 

Anyway, throughout our daily lives we are constantly asked to define our boundaries to others, and sometimes it works well and sometimes it doesn't. 

These are some signs of weak boundaries I have noticed in myself being in toxic relationships:

Ongoing anger at yourself or someone else. 

Feeling resentful. 

Low self-worth and self-esteem. 

Apologizing frequently. 

Doing things that make you uncomfortable. 

Doing things you really don't wan to do. 

Going alone with someone else's relationship agenda. 

Going against your personal values, rights or needs to please others. 

Putting other's needs ahead of your own. 

Not being able to assertively ask for what you want. 

Feeling responsible for other people's feelings and problems. 

Complaining to others instead of talking to the person who is causing a problem. 

Becoming easily overwhelmed emotionally. 

Self-consciousness and social anxiety. 

Saying yes when you want to say no. 

Feeling guilty when you do say no. 

Not speaking up when you have something to say. 

Adopting someone else's ideas or beliefs so they will accept you. 

Becoming overly involved in someone else's problems. (I think this was the cause of the down-hill direction of the relationship) 

Not communicating your emotional needs in your closest relationships. 

Avoiding difficult conversations because you're afraid of confrontation or of displeasing someone. 

Doing things out of a sense of obligation, instead of protecting your energy and time for things you're enthusiastic about. 

Spending time with people who drain you or that you don't really like to be around. 

Ignoring problems or staying quiet to 'keep the peace.' 

Expecting others to know what you need without telling them. 

Inability to be honest." 

“Understand that having personal boundaries is OK. In fact, boundaries are absolutely necessary for emotional and physical safety, healthy relationships and a happy life. Self-worth comes from honoring who you are and what you want. It comes from living your life as you want it to live it, not from living it the way others want you to."

“Boundaries can’t control other people’s behavior; whether or not they agree or respect your boundaries is for them to decide (and what you do about it is up to you to decide). Our boundaries control our won behavior. They help us to live the life we decided we want to live. When we defend our boundaries, we control our won self-sabotaging behaviors, such as taking part in destructive relationships and wasting our time and energy on people and things that don’t fulfill us.

When we tell others what our rules are, we can’t control the outcome. They have a choice to follow them or not. Then, we have a choice as to what we’ll do about it. Remember that if someone does not respect your boundaries, they do not respect you. That might help you make a decision.” 

“Enforcing a boundary does not mean arguing about it or explaining it until you're blue in the ace in an attempt to get validation of its worthiness from the transgressor. A boundary is a boundary, and it’s your and yours alone. It does not need anyone’s approval.

"If someone violates a boundary and you ignore it, or if you fail to realize they’ve done it, you may feel angry, uncomfortable, misunderstood, frustrated, put upon, victimized, disregarded, taken advantage of, powerless, or in some way bothered. Never ignore these feelings- take the time to figure out, so you can do better in the future."

“And if someone repeatedly violates aCode Orange boundary, or violates several different Code Orange boundaries, it becomes a Code Red category. 

For example, if someone is repeatedly late, makes you wait, and expects you to change your schedule for them, even after you’ve spoken to them about it and they agreed to be on time, it indicates that you’re dealign with a person who expects you to accommodate them and their needs, and who does not respect yours.” 

"Gordon Shippey, PhD, a contributor to the website Counseling Resource, wrote “Boundaries are defined by individuals, by themselves, for themselves. People skilled at manipulation often challenge our right or our ability to set boundaries, in service of their own wants. When dealing with such people, doing your own thinking, on your own, well in advance becomes even more essential. Your boundaries have to satisfy your moral code and support you in meeting your needs, not necessarily theirs. That distinction is exactly what a master manipulator wants you to forget… They key move here is to resist the temptation to rewrite boundaries on the fly…’”

“Believe in yourself. Value yourself as a unique individual who is worthy of love and respect. Practice self-confidence and self-love every day, until it feels natural. Setting and defending your boundaries is an excellent way to do it. 

You decide how you want to live your life. Find your courage. Love yourself enough to live in an authentic way. Stop caring so much what everybody else things of you, and stop caring about what YOU think of you. Your life will become much simpler and filled with much more joy.”

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I think the hardest part about boundaries is the actual communication of them. I have always been the one to take care of things by myself, internally. That is why communication is extremely difficult for me, because I do not like explaining myself. The "expecting others to know what you need without telling them" sign of weak boundaries rings especially true. I would like to work on that in the future.

Be proud, be you! You are your boundaries, and your boundaries are you! Learn to appreciate and respect your boundaries and teach others how to do so as well. Everyone has boundaries and the beauty of relationships is having someone be aware of them and respect them, without having to justify them. 

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Publishers Information: 

CreateSpace Independent Publishing Platform 2014

The Hottest Dishes of the Tartar Cuisine by Alina Bronsky

“I cursed at her in Tartar, calling her “Satan’ and “donkey’- but affectionately. And anyway, she didn’t know what it meant.” 

“The first thing I’d teach a man like that would be to use a nail file.”

“But Sulfia was gentle as gentle as a flower. If someone spat on her she took it for fresh rain and stretched out her petals to soak it up.” 

“‘Stay in bed, my child,’ I said. ‘You’ve been through so much in the last few years.’

I practically chocked on my words, and it took a tremendous effort of will not to let a few other things pass my lips before I went off to work.” 

Rosa has a very strong backbone and charms the reader instantly, even though she has many shortcomings with every other character in the book. I really like that everything is logical to her, everything she thinks. she seems to have a lot of emotion but does not show it, which is part of her principle. Why would you show someone you love them? She asked. Everything she says to the reader is an outpouring of who she is, but exudes itself minimally in her world. She has a very set system of the way the world works, and adheres to it wholly, never doubting it once. I really enjoyed her courage and drive, the way she got things done and solved almost impossible situations. Very thrifty and practical, knowing what to buy and how to derive the most out of things. 

Most amusingly, is her perspective on her daughter and granddaughter. she is very quick to make assumptions about Sulfia and how she is dumb and ugly, she doesn’t seem to have any respect for her. As for Aminat, she instantly worships because she is beautiful, unlike her mother, and sets out to educate her and even takes an extreme maternal role by kidnapping her from her own mother. 

Rosa has good intentions most of the time, and she truly believes what she does is for the good of all, even sacrificing everyone else’s happiness. She never once asks her daughter how she feels about things, or what her needs are, but goes ahead and makes decisions for her. Sometimes she even sabotages a situation, because she is unable to express her own feelings and needs. For example, when she tried to kill herself before her daughter’s leaving to Israel with her new family. Aminat and Sulfia ended up staying in Russia, destroying them, something they had resented her for the rest of their lives. 

She is very passionate and full of life, but doesn’t seem to have a real connection with anyone except for John, who doesn’t ask anything of her. I think she spent her entire life having to take care of everyone around her, so she developed this rough shell where she prefers to take care of everything herself. Even when she is not asked. This is the way she loves. 

Rosa’s character is so refreshing, to see such a developed character act and think under such concrete convictions which are so different from the “polite” and “graceful” lady-type. Her invasive and authoritarian qualities do not actually take away from her femininity, but in a sense enhance it, because she knows what she wants and how to get it. She’s also in touch with her sexuality and is not ashamed of it, enhancing her form and taking care of herself. She knows what she is worth. 

By the end, we see a transformation in Rosa. She has the capability of being soft also and let things go. We can visibly see her suffering over her daughter's death, and find out just how much she loved her. She seems to have given up on this drive to correct everything around her, and just live. We leave her as she is waiting for John to bring Aminat back to her, as she is patiently scraping away gunk off a counter. 

Alina Bronsky has made a hero of a Tartar woman who takes the world by surprise, giving us a rich and well-founded character who seems to have been here all along. Giving us the pleasure to take a peek into her existence even just for a moment. 

Pub. Europa Editions 2011